The Accident And The Consequenses
by sanzzu
Summary: so... My first fic, on Ziva's POV. About a car accident she and Tony were, Zivas thoughts. OOC deathfic, not based on an eppy, so I don't think there's any spoilers. Please R&R. Next chapter coming soon! I'm not good at summarys, please give it a chance
1. Chapter 1

The Accident And The Consequences

"Should have believed them. Really should have believed them", thought Ziva with tears in her eyes. How many times had they told her that she should drive more carefully. The answer was of course, countless times –per day. She didn't want to hear, she thought that her driving was perfect, they were just cowards. Should've believed before it was too late, like it now was. Now she of course believed, but it didn't help anymore. Didn't matter. If she only had believed it three weeks ago… And hope it hadn't had to cost the life of one of her loved ones to make her believe. But it had. It had cost Tonys life, and almost hers, only two weeks ago.

xxx

It was a normal, except beautiful, day in Washington D.C. Ziva and Tony were going home from lunch, they both had a day off, which was very unusual. Ziva was driving; she had forced Tony to give the car keys, 'cos he had had couple beers, she didn't drink alcohol at that time of day. They were chatting and laughing, they were both on good mood, they just had finished a tough case yesterday, and the bad guy was now behind the bars for very long time. Ziva was driving, again, the way others called "the Ziva style", which basically meant like a maniac, and Tony was making comments about it, but did that only to tease Ziva, for some reason the streets were almost empty, so he thought there wasn't very big risk for car crash, except if she drove to street lamp.

But as Ziva dramatically later found out, he had been terribly, so terribly wrong. Suddenly, when they were driving trough crossing with no traffic lights, SUV came from nowhere like a flash from clear sky. Neither of them noticed it first, and when they did, there was only time for Tony scream "Watch out!" before the SUV crashed to the Tonys side of the car. Then everything went black.

xxx

Next memory she had was from the hospital, when she woke up, for the first time after the accident, like the nurses had told her. She woke up with screaming head-ache, but as she soon noticed, her throat was hurting even more. She could barely move her head, but it moved enough so that she could see Abby sitting next to her bed. She looked like she hadn't had sleep for couple days, and her make-up had poured all over her face and her eyes were red and swollen, so she probably had cried. Soon, when Ziva could see better, see saw that weird look on Abbys face, that was miserable, concerned and kind of angry all at the same time. It was like she was angry to her. Ziva wondered, what caused that and tried to think if she had done something to Abby. She probably moved and caused some noise, because Abby looked her more intensively. That was when she noticed that Ziva was awake. She called the nurse and yelled also for Gibbs. He and McGee came right after the nurse had entered the room. They had obviously been in the hospital already. "Something's missing" thought Ziva "or someone." Then she noticed. Where was Tony? She tried to ask, but only started coughing, because there was damn breathing tube in her throat. She could now breathe on her own, so the nurse removed the tube. Ziva tried again, but she had had the tube in her throat so long that it was pretty sore and dry. When she finally could ask the burning questition about Tony, she got only many confused and compassionate faces. Except from Abby, who looked even more like she hated her. McGee noticed that and put his arms on Abbys shoulders to comfort her. She asked again "Where's Tony?"


	2. Chapter 2

No. She still couldn't believe it. Just couldn't. Tony could not be dead. No, not Tony. He was alright. They were just kidding. Yes, that's it; this all was just their sick game. Tony could not be dead, because they were both in the accident and she was still alive. She only had broken a leg and an arm and got the concussion that had put her in a coma for two weeks. And of course those broken ribs, that even after lots of painkillers still reminded her that they were still there. Those damn broken ribs that made her breathing even harder when Gibbs finally told her about Tony. Those damn ribs that made her cry even harder when she cried after Tony, because they caused her physical pain beyond the mental pain she felt.

xxx

Everyone looked at each other. Everyone looked confused, so clearly, that even Ziva who was still little dizzy because of the coma and concussion. Everyone seemed to expect that someone else would speak and tell her. Finally, Gibbs broke the silence by saying "Six feet under. That's where Tony is." Ziva just looked him. She wasn't shocked or anything like that. She just didn't understand. Six feet under? But that would mean that… No. She had to have been misunderstood. Tony couldn't be dead and buried. She was still alive, so how could Tony be dead? How could Tony be dead without her remembering it. The reason her not remembering it came quickly, even when she hadn't asked it yet. "He got really bad injured in the accident. Worse than you, much worst, because the SUV hit his side of the car. He was DOA. " said McGee, still holding Abbys shoulders. Ziva was almost afraid to ask the next questition "What about the…" Gibbs interrupted her"Driver that hit you? He died immediately after the crash, long before ambulance got there." Ziva nodded slowly, still being unable to talk. She felt the tears rising into her eyes as she started realizing what the guys just told her about Tony. "When was h…" She started, but was again interrupted, this time by McGee. "When was he buried? On last Sunday." Hearing that was the thing that finally made her break down and she started crying like an idiot. It made all too real, hearing that he really was buried and realizing that she was never going to see him again. First everyone just stood where they were, but soon Gibbs moved closer, and although it was nothing that he normally would do, he sat on the chair on the other side of the bed than were Abby was still sitting, and took her hand. She noticed that Abby had started crying again and McGee had also single tear rolling down his pale cheek. She couldn't look them so she turned her eyes to Gibbs, who was always so strong and who she had never seen crying, to find some strength and comfort. Soon she realized that she saw already another thing that she never had seen before; even Gibbs' eyes were sparkling because of the tears in them.

xxx

She was tired. She could sleep only with sleeping pills taken and almost over medicated with painkillers, because every time she tried to sleep she started thinking back the happy times with Tony and when she finally could sleep she had nightmares about the accident or Tony lying in his grave. And because all that burdened her already exhausted body and mind, she really needed those painkillers. Other members of the Team Gibbs were sitting with her by turns. After couple days she noticed that Abby came far often than Gibbs and McGee. Even Ducky and Jenny visited couple times. It was like Abby was blaming her about Tony being dead. She couldn't complain; she thought by herself too that it was her fault, even after everyone had been trying to reassure her that it was completely the SUV drivers fault. But it didn't really matter whose fault it was, did it? Tony was dead and would still be even if it was her fault or not. Nothing would bring him back. Nothing! She hit the ceiling next to her bed with her broken hand, making the mental pain step away for awhile, so that the physical part could get more space. It didn't help for long and it came soon back, even stronger than it had been. With that, flashbacks started flowing into her mind and she started crying, again. She was still crying helplessly when Gibbs came twenty minutes after that from his way to get some coffee after he had stayed up with her all night. She hadn't slept a minute last night, pills hadn't helped and she had been either crying or screaming basically whole night. Gibbs and the nurses tried to calm her down but the ghosts were there to stay. Ghosts of her brother Ari, whom she had killed, her little sister Tali, who got killed in the bomb attack. She had been only sixteen at the time and Ziva couple years older. She had taken her sister's death very hardly, but it was nothing when it was compared to her latest ghost, Tony. She had lost her working partner, best friend and possible future lover, all at the same time. She didn't care about the physical pain that screaming until she almost choked or hitting her broken arm to the wall caused, she just wanted the mental part and memories go away, it was way more painful than the physical one.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been almost week ago, when she had woken up from coma. Almost week had gone since she heard about Tony, and still there hadn't been even a minute without her thinking about him. She was still in the hospital because the doctors were worried about her 'cos she had been in coma for so long after an accident. And of course there was the shrink she had to see every day to talk about the accident, her nightmares, Tony's death and her "suicidal behavior", as he called it. Well, he was wrong. She wasn't suicidal. She was grieving, and this was her way to handle bigger sorrow than anything she ever had felt. It was their problem, not hers, if they thought that they should give her sedatives because if they didn't she was screaming almost all the time. Or hitting her fists to walls. And she of course the shrink tried to talk her also about her messed up past on Mossad, but when he even started that round, she closed like seashell. Only ones that she ever had talked about her past were Tony and Gibbs, and little bit to Jenny. She didn't like talking about that. Especially not about her siblings, who both were dead. When she thought about the word dead, she immediately started seeing pictures of Tony in her mind and that caused her start crying. Yesterday, when she was drinking her tea, she had burnt her hand by spilling the tea. At first she had cursed, for once, she didn't scream, it wasn't that hot and there was only little of tea spilled on her hand. Then realized, that the pain it caused was the first thing that really got her thinking something else than Tony and the accident. She had looked around in the room and noticed that she was for once alone, McGee, who's turn it was now to be there with her, had went somewhere, probably to get some coffee. She didn't even think about how stupid her idea was before fulfilling it. She poured all the tea that was still in the cup into her left arm that wasn't broken and plastered. Almost immediately when the hot liquid reached her arm she felt the skin burning. Strange but true, it didn't feel bad at all, rather it felt pretty good. And as she had wished, she could think only that, not the things she didn't want to remember. But it didn't last long; the pain wasn't enough to keep the undesired thoughts away. And of course McGee had to come back from where ever he had been the last fifteen minutes, and call the nurse to see her. He naturally thought that she had been too tired or too careless and had accidentally spilt the tea. The nurse took away the last remains of the surprising good feeling she had because of the burnt arm by anaesthetizing it. As they asked what had happened she just turned her face away and stayed silent, but even with her head turned away she felt their eyes on her arm and could almost hear their thoughts as they wondered what had happened. Ziva felt sudden urge to yell them that she hated them because they had taken away the only thing that made her feel better, tell them how she hated to live in the world without Tony. But she kept her mouth shut because it wouldn't matter if she told them, she only would have to talk to the shrink more than once a day and that was already too much.

Day after day her broken parts got better, but while she was physically getting better, mentally she was drowning more and more into depression. She didn't admit that, of course. She was so strong, how could that be possible? She was trained killer, she had seen death before. This wasn't different, she kept telling to everyone and especially for herself. But it was. It was different in more than one ways; this was the first time she had accidently killed someone, this was the first time she had killed someone close to her without a good reason to do it, and the most important thing that made this different was the fact that this time the one who got killed was Tony.

Beyond and caused by falling day by day deeper and deeper into depression Ziva also kept harming herself when nobody was around and she had something that she could use to do something. First no one noticed anything and if someone interrupted her she could always explain it somehow. But she became more careless and others started noticing that something was going on and after that she was never alone; there was always a nurse or one of the team members, and no one left before the next person came. She became anxious because she had never really liked being observed all the time and angry cause she couldn't stand this anymore. She couldn't now sleep properly even with sleeping pills taken and was even more aggressive than normally.

Then, one night, they finally messed up. Gibbs hadn't arrived on time which was very unusual, but she was only happy that it happened, 'cos there was a new nurse on the section, that didn't know that there always had to be someone watching after Ziva, so when there was a code blue –alarm, she left the room leaving Ziva alone. She finally saw her opportunity and took the army knife that she had taken from McGee earlier and hidden under her bed. She looked at it hesitantly for a while but then she opened it laying the sharp, cold blade on her wrist. She felt her heart start beating faster but soon she didn't hear anything anymore and as she made the first cut she felt the same good feeling that she had felt when she burnt her hand, and that kept her going on.


End file.
